Monday, September 19, 2011

Loosing a Loved One

I have a friend that lost her father over the weekend, I am overwhelmed with sadness. It is odd, I don't know her well or have ever met her father. The few moments that I spent with her recently she seems depressed, not overwhelmed with emotion.  I left her house and fell apart. She always seems sad, a bit like me. I have lost a lot in my life. So has this friend, she lost her mother to cancer at young age and seems to me that she has seen a lot at her age. I am not that much older, 8 years, but we seem similar. I have seen a lot that makes me sad about life. As my friend has, I too have lost a lot of people who meant the world to me. It is hard sometimes for me to have strong relationships with people I like, because I know it all goes away in the end. I want to tell my friend that things get better, easier with time. I can't tell her lies. It just fades away and it pisses me off that I can't remember. I miss faces, hands, laughs, smells that are getting weaker and weaker each day. How do you preserve this?

Pictures aren't the same but it can help. Video is nice...but takes planning before time of death. Who knows that? I wish I had a book, for the people I've lost, like I made for my autistic student when I left teaching. It was a picture of me an who I was and I why I was proud of the student and what we had learned together and then blank pages he could write to me when he was sad/ frustrated  about my departure. This was a great healing tool for him and in my opinion would be for those who lost a loved one.  It would also help me not forget those details about the ones I lost in this life.
Wake/ funerals are just odd and a whirlwind of people you don't know. I think folks would say that my book idea is a tad morbid, I think that funerals are worst. I need closure and departure but a funeral should be more for the living than the dead and mostly it is geared for the dead.  The person's soul should shine through the day and be celebrated, cherished and honored.
That typically sad day ends and the sadness continues with nothing to do with the emotion and pain that you hold on to for ever. There is not a happy memory that I look back on and the tinge of sadness is non-existent, there is not a moment that I wish that person was not there with me on this earth in this life, I am selfish. It has not gotten easier, the funeral was not closure. I am unsure what I believe of the after life. All I know is they are not here with me and dreams and a red-tailed hawk*** are not suitable substitutes.
I know that every thing is cyclical and you can't have one with out the other but, again I am selfish, I am unsure how the loss I felt at the age of 3 and many times after has any real positive effects. I would never be able to weigh the positive effects if those people had been left in my life. I feel very certain that things would have been very different. People would say 'things happen for a reason', I just don't buy it. 
If I cant have those people back then at least tell me why or let me hold on to memories forever with out fading.

*** ill explain the red-tailed hawk stories when I feel inspired

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